I Have Decided to Resign From Nursing, Again…

Again? One may ask.

Yes. Again.

The first time I resigned from ER nursing was during the COVID pandemic.

However, it wasn’t because of the bipolar hellfire that was emergency nursing during COVID. It was because I had finally met all the requirements to become an FNP.

I punched out on 12/11/2020 and started my first FNP position on 1/4/2021.

To describe what the years, months, and days between then and today have been like would be difficult to put into words.

Instead, imagine an abstract painting.

Harsh colors. A few smooth lines, but mostly jagged ones. Splashes of literal blood, sweat, and lots of tears.

Not tears of joy.

And right when I felt like I was about to drown in the dark oceans of this career path, another chance would find me.

Still, when the colors of being an FNP turned gray, I pivoted back to ER nursing.

Why not pivot back to something that was what and who I had identified as for so long?

Why not get back on the ol’ bike?

Well, I did.

And I have no regrets.

Nursing invited me back as if I were returning home….. to the controlled chaos I knew so well.

After some time, though, I recognized that I just wasn’t wired for the chaos the way I once was.

I still enjoyed the hustle. The fast pace. The camaraderie – which I LOVE.

(I’m such a nurse.)

But I also knew I had to find an FNP job that fit.

So I tried many on for size: outpatient, hospitalist, veteran disability exams…

But I still couldn’t give up ER nursing.

People often describe emergency nursing, somewhat unoriginally, as being “in your blood.”

Maybe it is.

So I went per diem.

And for a while, it was perfect.

I could still show up for my team – and for myself – but on my own terms. If I had a bad shift, I had plenty of time to recover.

And honestly, I didn’t often have bad shifts.

RMC ER is a special place.

Some of the kindest people I have ever known work there. Every hospital has a culture, and I can personally say the ER culture there is gold. It is increasingly rare to find that small community ER feeling in the era of giant corporate mergers and the relentless pace of New Jersey healthcare.

So why did I resign today?

Space.

With a new hard requirement that per-diem staff work one weekend every month, I started to feel that pressure again.

Paint splashing onto that canvas again.

I need space.

Weekends become precious when you work full time. Sheesh, I can barely maintain my house and yard while finding room for hobbies, self-care, travel, the people I love… and sometimes doing absolutely nothing.

And doing absolutely nothing deserves space, too.

The requirement to give up one weekend every month was simply the wind that finally blew me off the cliff.

The brushstroke that signed the canvas.

The recognition that NOT ONLY am I no longer wired for chaos…..

I have been rewired to require more space.

Maybe resigning from nursing again doesn’t mean I’ve rejected nursing.

Maybe it means I finally understand what all those years of nursing gave me.

I don’t have to keep clocking into an ER to prove that I am a nurse.

Those years are already in me.

The instincts. The stories. The people. The blood. The sweat. The tears. The dark humor. The camaraderie. The ability to walk into controlled chaos and somehow know where I belong.

I get to take all of that with me.

Thank you, RMC

XO KB